The steamy realm of sexual myths has been heavily imposed on us by popular culture: fairy tales, movies, books and porn all play their role in promoting the idea of the "perfect" seductive moment.
Get ready to unravel the real truth behind these sexual misconceptions, as proven by the latest science in sexual wellness.
Think of a classic romantic movie. The heroine looks perfect, with gorgeous makeup and impossibly sexy underwear, and her romantic partner kisses her for 30 seconds before she is ready to embrace him inside her. The passion, lust, desire and unrealistic perfection of the moment are so vividly shown in these films that we grow up with the vision of having this same type of sex. Let’s get back to reality and dispel some of these ingrained myths.
Myth 1: “I should have a sex drive”.
Understanding that a unitary form of "sex drive" is a myth comes from understanding that sexual desire is not a singular, consistent force like hunger or thirst.
Unlike these biological drives, which are the same across all humans and prompt us to eat or drink, sexual desire varies greatly among individuals and can change over time. It's influenced by a variety of physical, psychological, social and environmental factors.
Sex drive, also known as libido, refers to a person's natural inclination or motivation to have sex.
Sexual desire often has a responsive nature rather than being spontaneous. That is, instead of being a constant drive that needs satisfaction, sexual desire often arises in response to certain contexts, situations or stimulation.
Responsive sexual desire shows up in response to stimulation: something sexy happens, and the body responds.
For example, a person may not feel any particular sexual desire until they engage in intimate behavior or encounter a specific scenario or person that sparks their interest.
The notion of sex drive puts a lot of pressure on us by suggesting that we should frequently and spontaneously desire sex, which actually goes against the responsive nature of desire that is so prevalent in women.
Moreover, the term "sex drive" tends to suggest that a high level of sexual desire is healthy or normal, while a lower level is problematic. But in reality, what’s normal when it comes to sexual desire spans a very wide range.
I don’t want sex, and that is OK.
Each individual's sexual desire is unique and can fluctuate based on a multitude of factors, and this is completely normal and healthy. So next time you think that your sex drive is low, channel your energy into thinking about intimate behaviors, sexual scenarios, erotic thoughts and the actions your partner could take to help you awaken your responsive desire.
Myth 2. “Great sex should just happen”.
We have all come across the myth of spontaneous, passionate and wild sex that “just happens”. And yes, it does “just happen” in the first year of the relationship when hormones fuel the spontaneous desire.
75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous desire.
With time, the sexual desire evolves into a more responsive form, and sexual stimulation is needed to trigger and awaken it, which requires time, space and planning. Sexperts advise that the best way to have a great sex life is to make time for intimacy and schedule hot dates with your partner.
Myth 3: “I need to be in a sexy mood”.
No, you don’t. Are you always in the mood to go to the gym? Sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not. But when you get to the gym and hit it hard, I bet you like it. And the post-gym feeling of accomplishment and pride in yourself is so sweet.
Intimacy is similar to your fitness routine. You need to create time and space for you and your partner to awaken your sensuality, connect with your bodies and trigger the desire.
Sex mood is the biggest fallacy.
If two adults in a long-term relationship with careers and kids wait until both people are in the mood to have sex, they’ll rarely have sex at all.
Myth 4: “Planned sex is unromantic”
You schedule everything in your life: meetings with friends, workouts, parties, events and holidays. All important activities are scheduled. Moreover, scheduling these activities makes them happen, and with much more frequency than spontaneous events in your life. So give it a go and schedule your intimacy, and see how it fills your life with anticipation and excitement. Moreover, a recent study endorses planned sex event more: despite the belief that spontaneous sex is more fun, the study participants found planned sex to be just as satisfying as spontaneous sex.
Related: Scheduling Sex Is The New Sexy
Myth 5: “Sex is about getting an orgasm”
Ironically, the more we seek orgasms, the harder it becomes to actually experience them. Self-pressure and expectations make it even more difficult to get to the “O” moment.
It also makes sex (solo or partnered) about efficiency and hitting a goal rather than being a pleasurable, intimate journey.
The best sex has no pressure, expectations or big “O” chasing. Sex can be pleasurable and take any form that allows you to connect physically to your partner and shower each other with pleasure during intimacy.
Myth 6: “It is difficult for women to orgasm”.
We have heard it all: female orgasms are complex, women can’t orgasm every time and even “women are just not sexual enough”. The myths are proliferated to explain why women don’t always reach climax during penetrative sex.
But science gives us a clearer explanation for this so-called gender orgasm gap. With masturbation, women and men can reach orgasm at the same rate: to be precise, 95% of both men and women can reliably orgasm this way in just a few minutes.
When women and men have sex with each other, the rate of men reaching orgasm stays at 95%, but the rate for women drops to just 65%. What’s more, for one-night-stands and casual sex, only 18% of women usually reach orgasm. This is known as the orgasm gap.
The orgasm gap: 95% of men compared to 65% of women orgasm during partnered sex.
Interestingly enough, women who have sex with other women do not see such a significant drop in orgasm rates when they have sex with each other, with an orgasm rate of 85%.
What is my biggest takeaway here? Exploration of the female body is absolutely critical: it is critical for men to know how women get pleasure, and it is essential for women to explore their own bodies… and this requires time, space and communication.
Myth 7: “Vaginal sex is real sex”.
Many people are stuck for a long time with the idea that a woman’s orgasm is purely a vaginal experience, achieved through repeated penetration. This is the biggest sex myth that we have, and it’s with us thanks to movies, porn and centuries of male-dominated sexuality.
The clitoris has double the sensitivity of a penis.
The most sensitive part of the female genitalia is the clitoris. Consisting of approximately 8,000 nerve endings, the clitoris has double the sensitivity hub of the penis. The visible part, known as the glans, is merely a fraction of the entire organ. The bulk of the clitoris, comprising the body and the crura (legs), is internally positioned beneath the vulva.
25% of women achieve orgasm with just penetrative sex, whereas 75% need extra clitoral stimulation.
So to reach the big ‘O’, women often require clitoral stimulation instead of just vaginal penetration. According to the research, in order of effectiveness, there are the easiest ways for women to climax:
- Self-pleasuring
- The partner using their hands to stimulate the clit
- Oral sex
- And, last but not least, penetration
By dismantling the myth that vaginal sex is the sole arbiter of "real sex", we open the door to inclusivity, exploration, pleasure and the celebration of the diverse range of sexual experiences and preferences that exist in our wonderfully diverse world.
A word from For Play
As we bid farewell to these restrictive sex myths, let's embrace our own journey of self-discovery, pleasure and unabashed enjoyment, powered by recent scientific studies into sexuality that bring us a new era of sexual understanding.
