Our founder Victoria joined Isabelle and Tom on Talking Kinky, a podcast that delves into desire for the curious.
Let’s explore the concept of desire
1. The Power of Responsive Desire
When sex and desire are portrayed on the TV and in movies, it often seems filled with ultimate passion. Clothes are torn off, bodies are pushed against walls, and everything feels explosive and spontaneous. But the reality is that spontaneous desire is just one type of desire, which (unsurprisingly) is more aligned with men (75%). However, the majority of women experience a different type of desire
Responsive desire arises as a response to physical pleasure or emotional connection, rather than full spontaneity. This type of desire often requires the right context—like intimacy, foreplay, or shared moments—to ignite that spark. When couples understand that their motivations behind desire are different, it will help them to align their sex life and keep that fire burning in the bedroom.
2. Say Yes to Sex
Sometimes, it’s easy to overcomplicate sex, letting worries and overthinking get in the way. But overthinking often just leads to delay, making intimacy feel like one more thing on your to-do list. Instead, simply saying yes to sex can be a powerful step. When you say yes, you’re opening yourself up to the idea of pleasure, setting the stage for responsive desire to follow. This shift in mindset helps you relax, feel present, and allows intimacy to unfold naturally—without pressure or expectation. Saying yes can be as simple as creating a moment together, letting the spark build as you focus on connecting rather than overanalysing.
3. Treat Sex Like a Gym Workout
People often think that to have sex you have to ‘be in the mood’ but sometimes the only way to get in the mood is to get involved. As Victoria points out:
“Think about sex like you think about going to the gym, sometimes you are in the mood, sometimes you're not, but as soon as you get to the gym, you change your outfit, you start exercising and then you start really enjoying it!”
So, if you’re at home and you’re not feeling ‘it’, put on some sexy lingerie, light some candles, put on some music, because the reality is, after you have started to put these things in motion, the mood might just be ready for you.
4. Sex O’clock
Sometimes, life’s demands make it easy for that passion to fade, leaving us questioning if it can be rekindled.
Create space and time for connection, playfulness and fun
One powerful lesson on intimacy is the idea of setting a dedicated time for connection—what Victoria calls “Sex o’clock.”
“After a year together, I felt the fire starting to fade, and I wondered—was this the right partner for me? That experience taught me so much about intimacy. With my ex-partner, we created something we called ‘Sex o’clock’—9:00pm every day, a time set aside just for us. We’d rush home, knowing we’d connect as partners, not friends or business partners , but as two people drawn to each other. It gave us space to talk, cuddle, and reconnect as lovers, leaving the intensity of the day behind. Every couple deserves their own ‘Sex o’clock’—a time to let intimacy unfold.”
5. Keep Things Fresh
Did you know that keeping things fresh is key to keeping desire alive? That’s where the Coolidge Effect comes in: it’s the idea that a little novelty can reignite attraction. And the best part? You don’t need anything big or dramatic. It could be as simple as trying a new room in the house, experimenting with a new position or toy, trying our For Play chocolates, having a long sex session or a short quickie, or going on a different kind of date.
Don’t let your bedroom become a boredroom
Adding these little twists helps keep that spark alive without losing the emotional connection. New experiences and settings create shared memories and bring a sense of playfulness back to your relationship. So go ahead, explore new places, try different settings, and let a little novelty work its magic!
6. Try a F**king Vacation!
Planning a weekend away? Well, why not plan one with the intention to fully reconnect (yes, sexually!). This preparation can be a game-change for igniting intimacy with your partner. By setting aside time to escape everyday life—leaving kids, work, and routines behind—you’re preparing your mind and body for desire. Pack your favourite bikinis, lingerie, and embrace the beautiful bed that’s waiting to be used. The new surroundings offer fresh cues, and our brains love novelty; new stimuli can reawaken that spark, helping us see our partner with fresh eyes and rekindle that excitement.
A Word from For Play
At For Play, we see desire as a journey, one that flourishes with intention, connection, and a hint of creativity. From setting a “Sex o’clock” and embracing responsive desire to keeping things fresh with playful twists, these tips are about reigniting that spark. And sometimes, a simple addition—like our For Play chocolates—can be just what you need to rekindle passion and explore pleasure in new ways. Embrace the journey, savor each moment, and keep the fire alive!
